I want to express my gratitude:
-For kind and loving and honest open friends who help me to see what I at times cannot see adn to maintain faith for things that at time I struggle to sustain faith in (myself included)
-I am grateful for the gifts the Lord gives us. We at times focus so much on our weaknesses that we often forget and ignore our strengths.
We a blessing it is to ahve strengths that we can not only feel worthy to have and receive but also to bless the lives and strengthen and encourage the lives of those around us with.
Today's lessons:
- The path is almost never supposed to be the way we plan. If it were always so our hearts and minds would never have to reach out in faith and begin to have a God complex of being able to control everything.
-2. If you are hurt, it's in your hands and it's not always your fault.
So today I had a moment. It's amazing how despite how incredibly well you may be feeling about everything, something happens to braing to our awareness another weakness we need to work on. It's in our ability and willness to to see our weaknesses as they arise in our lives.
This quote is what one of the most powerful quotes I have ever read and changed my life forever. If it had not been for this quote I would never have had the stregth or faith to go through and start my repentance process to the degree and level that I felt I needed and was asked of me andb required of me.
Here it is:
"God hath not revealed anything to Joseph, but what he will make known unto the Twelve, and even the least Saint may know all things as fast as he is able to bear them..."
Discourses of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 150-151
Wow! What a quote.
Anyways, this willingness to bear all things....defines me in ways that I feel I will spend the rest of my life striving to live and understand.
As we see our weakness and admit them, the opportunity to see and grow is revealed to us and we now sit on the crux of a new life and new self or self retreat.
Today at some games night we played this board game. No big deal right?
Well I won't get into the major details but I reacted and noticed that there was pain I was hiding from.
I despise competition and despise people even jokingly lying and acting prideful or making fun of otehrs and not giving all of there energies in supporting others around them, never even being away of the fact that there are sensitive people around them that could be hurt even by their pretend comments. I don't like the idea of pretending in doing these things. Playing pretend of such things that in real life are hurtful and painful to others and ourselves is well practicing being cruel and lying and uncaring and selfish and ...etc I don't do well in groups or group games. I even hate winning at times ebcause I don't want someone else feeling like they lost even if it bugs them a little bit.
You see there is a bit of a secret I've sort been hiding:
Growing up, I could pick up any sport I wanted and master it virtually over night. Basketball was a particular easy game for me to paly that I was even asked for a couple of years to try out for Basketball when I was younger.
But I immediately hated it. I loved to play but suddenly I would play with others and swearing and hating and yelling and vindictiveness and pride and ego all became a part of it and I immeidately quit. I hated it. Ever since those younger years, I refused to play any team soprts from that day on unless feelings of fun and encouragement were involved. To this day I still get sick to my stomach when people say they admire someone for being great at basketball.
Now you might be thinking that wait, you must be so spiritual or crazy..
I'm not done.
There is more.
I won't get into grave detail but growing up someone in my life made it their life's mission to make sure I felt they were better then me in every way, that they were super successful and and that I could never be good at anything regardless of what I did and if I ever did even slightly well at something, would tear me down, make some snide remark, make fun of it/me or convince me I wasn't good enough. Everyday of my life was the gravest and most painful of competitons; I competed for their love and approval and by the end of it, I was somehow always ended up the loser or wimp. Every day I heard that "you are not tough enough" as a result I unconsciously decided without my consent or awareness that I couldn't be anything else but a loser or I was doing something wrong.
That's just messed up.
But here's the clincher...
I get sick to my stomach and hurt and angry over the way people play a simple game...
I don't even know how to have fun at some of these things.
I love working together towards a common goal and creatively playing and comnig up with ideas and inspiring others. For heaven's sake, EFY my kids won the cheer contest (that was all Kaylee though)!
I'm not going to give you my life story but here is the point:
1. My pain is my responsibilty even over something as small as pain over a board game. It may seem stupid to you and if you've palyed dumb games with me before you may barely have noticed I even had an issue but inside on a deeper level things were happening that I wasn't aware of.
Pain is always obvious when we act in a manner that is contrary to Christ's example. EVERYTIME! That might seem too much to handle but I believe this is accurate and true to the tenth degree.
2. It's almost never all of your fault when you feel pain or that it's about the people immediately in front of you. It's often from the pains left behind by the incorrect beliefs or hurtful behaviours others leave in their wake because they could not love themselves or know how to show love to you.
How wonderful and compassionate it is for me to have a Saviour who sees and had the compassion and patience and power to show me these things this last night. It's something so simple but profound. How long He must wait until the perfect time until we are ready to see and feel the things He desires to show us.
I've suffered from this all of my life and it may seem simple but it's prevented me from enjoying so many good things and moments in my life. It's not like it's some full blown debilitating thing but it does affect the way in feel and choose to react over something that is meant to be light hearted and fun. Now some of you may be judging me because of my "wimpness" or "sissyness" or being to vulnerable or insecure (which I admit I have deeply in many areas of my life) about such a thing and it's not manly, well I say go fly a kite.
The truth of any man's strength lies in his willingness to face the truth and his truth and not hide from it. To listen to the Lord and listen well and His wird and will sink in our hearts.
I'm not afraid to tell you I have a silly yet very real issue concerning my self worth that is not true or real but a figment of my imagination caused by untruthful beliefs.
All pain is caused by incorrect beliefs. I know if we truly had the mind of Christ and saw things as He did, we would never feel pain that limited us again and only if ever feel sorrow for our fellow man.
Here's a question for you: God doesn't have self esteem issues. Why?
That's a question I hope to figure out and learn from as I learn and search for answers.
My extra points are this:
1. Having the Spirit of the Lord is to have the mind of Christ. Even the smallest slight in our hearts takes our heart away from the presence of the Lord and is why even in the smallest of things we should openly admit and invite the Lord to heal us of such things. Again, cry to the lord all day.
It was just a stupid board game but in the moment I felt pain and hurt and reacted maybe not in the best way.
Love castesth away all fear. How could I have been loving to myself and others in that moment? Love is hard to hold pr conjure when past hurts haven't been dealt with though.
How terrible the adversary is that he traps us in the vices not of simply addiction but lies about ourselves and who we are. Helping to keep us feeling bad is means to which the adversary halts us from feeeling or knowing the Lord's will.
2. Hurt is always an invitation to draw closer to God in every way. Bring it to the Lord and counsel with Him. He has suffered it and overcome it and has the perfect counsel to teach and bless and guide you. He's been there and is there going through it with you. Rest assured that you hav a Father in Heaven that loves, leads and guides you in all things.
3. As we learn to listen to the Spirit more intimately in our lives, we can recognize those minor hurts we at times are unaware and rob of us the smallest of joys. Our hearts are freeer and notice more beauty and love and caring in our lives. It's unforced, something I still notice and feel foreign to when people try to be open and loving and "happy". A truer state of heart and life exists in us as we go to the Lord frequently and repent and heal of our current and past transgressions and listen to the whispering of the Spirit and invite a meekness and willingness in our hearts and minds to be filled with love.
Perfect love casteth away all fear. This is something I am still studying and striving to understand.
Let me get back to a conversational discussion:
I used to watch Hockey almost everyday. I was the BIGGEST OILERS and CANUCKS FAN! I was eight and knew every player in every league and at 12 I think I even called the local radio station to discuss the reason why the Canucks lost the playoffs due to a weak and slow defense that put too much presure on the goalie. The forwards ( including Pavel Bure) over extended along with in particular the defense when they went for goals..or something like that. I almost won our hockey pool in juniour high for heaven's sake. I also enjoyed watching the Olympics every time they were on religiously and also had an affinity for basketball but not as much as hockey. I was always jeolous other kids got to play it because well we couldn't afford to play it.
I was a huge hockey fan! I used to pretend to play hockey while my brother and I wathced games hoping our moves helped them score goals in the play offs.
When I grew up though, when my Dad watched a sport he completely ignored me so much so I went from hockey fan to never wathcing the sport again. Nothing elwse mattered. We didn't matter. The stupid game mattered. I wasn't even allowed to speak while a game was on, be it hockey, baseball (when my dad was shortly into it) and most of all the olympics.
It used to be something that brought me such joy.
I now hate hockey...or at least I thought I did...
Our pain changes us, holds us back and disfigures us and our self worth. Our truest selves lie dormant as something foreign and unnatural immerges.
I just remembered some of my favorite moments growing up and being in 4 ( or was it 5) different Stanley Cup celebrations waiting in line all day to get Yari Kuri's signature and poster...
It's amazing how something so simple and silly can hide so much.
Notice your pains and openly take them to the Lord and continue taking them to Him. Somethings will take time but remain faithful. He will provide healing and answers if you are wiling to do your part.
I hope someday soon I can watch sports again and participate without feeling wrong about it or hurt or even play board games and not feel threatened or insecure...although I still hate even pretending to hate or lie or cheat or discourage others. Maybe one day I'll see it a different way.
It may seem like something simple to you but I lost the desire and ability to enjoy something and refrained from participating in something that was a joy and slightly dear to me because of these small and simple wounds I did not notice or was willing to see.
Be willing to see. Willing to open your mind and heart and let the Lord guide you. He has answers, healing and gifts like no other to heal you and correct your way and reveal to you who you really are, were before this life and who you can and will become if you follow His counsel and desirously seek to live the commandments.
Seek the Spirit in all things. I can't rememeber who it was but two prophets had visions where Joseph Smith and Brigham Young visited them and told them to (and I summarize) seek the Spirit and it will guide you in all things and that it is everything. Just do this and everything else will fall into place.
That might be a personalized translation but I believe it's true. Never choose to ignore the Spirit and refrian from doing anything that offends it (which are many) because it makes it harder to notice, recognize and feel the you need to heal of or need to do for others.
If I told you a board game would open my heart to a life time of limiting beliefs and self inflcited pain a few months ago, I would have told you that you need help. Now i know it's really true.
ps - it's usually some false belief or pain that holds us back from wanting to do something we know is good. If you are struggling in doing something, that is a sign of it, because if you really knew the truth and felt it's results you would be blown away and have nothing but every deisre to live it because of the joy and freedom it opens up for you.
To you who remains annonymous...thank you for just being you. There is no greater gift that is you.
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