The Start of a new day

So welcome to my blog.

Some of you might be wondering "why are you starting a blog?"

Well before I get to that, here are some ground rules:

1. I'm not going to hide anything. That includes my religious beliefs and my membership in the Church of Jesus Chriost of Latter day Saints so if you start seeing lingo here that you don't understand or scares or puts you off, tough cookies.

2. I ask that if you reply ot any post or post something that you be respectful. Golden rule and all.

3. If you take offense to anything I'm writing, that's you not me. I love you and if there is anything I say or post on here that makes you feel uncomfortable, then please contact me and let me know and I'll do my best to make amends.


So...back to business.

The reason I'm writing a blog is because I've been doing a lot of growing lately and even though I keep a strict journal, it just didn't fell like enough and yesterday after the Single Adult's Fireside and the talk about ARP (that's the Addiciton Recovery Program; GO TO IT! It rocks!) it got me thinking that about something I've been feeling I've been needing to do for a while:

I've felt the need to record the tender mercies that the Lord has bestowed on me on a regular basis and not necessarily the big one's which will remain private in my journal and between me and the Lord, but because I feel this urge and need to record the belssings in my life more and maybe even record some of the many lessons I've been learning these last few months and make a continuous record of these things.

..So I felt this was the best venue to accomplish all of this and it would get me in the habit of producing content for the websites I have going on (coming soon)

I also feel a deeper of desire to open my heart more to others and this is one way in which to do that.



So there you have it.


So let's get started:

Last night was a tough night. I can't get into great detail about all of my personal experiences but it was tough. That's all you need to know.

As a result I woke up this morning thinking I really need to not only recognize my blessings but really celebrate the growth and achievements that I've made in just these last few months.


I go to the Addiction Recovery Program.

A certain particular personal experience triggered it all for me. I had been praying and striving all of my life to repent and change but after all of the knowledge and witnesses and testimonies of the gospel's truthfulnes and so much more, there was just one thing missing, and I had prayed to God in the past to help me with this: I didn't know how to apply the Atonement and I didn't have a personal testimony of my Saviour. I had a spiritual tesitmony and even intellectual but I never knew Him because I never truly understood how to apply and receive the Atonement in my life...

Once I got that, man the changes that have taken place!

Which is sort of why I'm writing. It amazing how so much can change and yet you cna so easily forget in such a short time all the growth that you achieved.

Once I healed up all of the guilt, pain, resentment, fears and sadness that I had carried in my soul, my mind and heart started to heal...everything changed.

It was scary! It was only 3 weeks and I felt without any doubt that I had felt a full remission of my sins and even had to go to others and confirm it because it was scary. Not only didn't I previously not believe completely that something like that was possible but I was experiencing it faster than i expected. I was amazing and still is.


Somehow the Lord saw fit to put me through the ARP process at an accelerated rate that even now I'm still in shock that I even survived it. It was without a doubt a miracle beyond understanding and I now that it was from the Lord because I never would have been able to sustain something like that..literally. Every night I went to bed I was so physically, mentally and spiritually drained from the experience that I could hardly move and then the next morning I was fine. Let me put it this way: EFY counsellor was a cake walk in comparison to this. Each and every single day I was guided by who to speak to and what to read and it seemed every hour the Lord kept blessing me so that I got the next principle throughly and deeeply in my mind and heart and with a complete understanding that I never knew before.

My repentance was thorough, deep and complete. I filled in every part of the workbook. Prayed and fasted over every principle (lost 10 pounds; I'm barely starting the gain the weight back) and approached each step only when I felt guided by the spirit.

I also had the most intense crash course on faith like nothing I could ever imagine and I'm still learning about it...

I am also amazed at the Lord's timing in all of this.

4 people who needed my testimony and help these last 2 months would not have been able to be helped by me if I didn't have a complete and full testimony of the repentance process and offer them counsel and blessings that were required sepcifically by my hand in their lives. There is also another reason it happened so fast but I won't get into that right now.

I was just talking to a friend of mine and said I really knew that I had changed because of all of the trials I had faced these last 2 months have been the hardest and that this should have been the most likely thing to push me towards my past addicitions and I realized they are so far from my mind I don't even think about them and just focus on applying the Atonement to help me through the pain of my current situation... well I know I've been healed and as long as I hold fast to the Lord, I will be blessed to ever retain it.

That discovery blew me away. I complete forgot I even have addictions in my life or myself. It really feels like someone else's life. I mean yes I'm aware I had them but ...I don't know how to put it...it's not in the forefront or any front of my mind. That said, daily repentance and avoidance and abhorance of sin and the very appearance of sin is just a way of life and how my heart feels. It's not forced. That's when you truly know you've had a change of heart. It's not forced. It's from the real you. It's just me being true to the intimations I feel in my heart and soul like never before which were changed by God's grace, love, teaching, understanding and goodness.

So...

Everything's changed. I cannot explain it.

Let me see...

Here a good list:

-I rearranged my whole basement. Even bought picutres
-threw out 80% of my books,
-threw out 7 years of material I had downloaded
-Got rid of nearly all of my clothes
-Sold my videogames and Xbox; I lost all desire for TV and videogames and even most movies..
(even my friends are bugging me because when they go to a movie there's nothing I can practically see)
-I cleaned up my facebook, desk, house, friends, schedule..

and so much more...

And is This is just to stupid stuff...
Pictures for my walls, house plant, new wardrobe

My life changed permanently...
I have changed permanently...

I was at ARP meeting two Tuesday's ago and it was my turn to share and I stared at my workbook and all I could feel/say was "it feels so long ago. I don't even remember who this guy was". I cried.

The Lord was not kidding when He said it would be a rebirth. I literally feel like I was born a couple of months ago. It's impossible to express. I feel I have a very different soul and being.

The very nature of my personality changed. I.e. I discovered that I've hated violent movies all of my life (stupid weird kid neighbor that made us watch Die Hard when I was just 8) and that I'm a ridiculous romantic and always have been (love reading classic novels, read/wrote poetry, love cooking and food and dancing ans singing and only listen and learn sappy music and LOVE nature and so much more)... I don't laugh at the same things or care or worry or react to things the same way. My heart and mind and life are in a different place right now.

I feel true self and alive for the first time in my life in a long time and trust me I've tried making changes in my life before and this is time it is permanent.

I used to always receive revelation in prayer and scripture study but now it's not even funny.

I'll get into that another day...

And again that's just the fun stuff.

Everything emotionally and spiritually has changed so much:

Besides loving scriptures study (which I always have) and personal prayer and attending church and temple...

There is power and deeper passion for it that I know I've always had within me but addiction and pain held me capative to feel and express it and live it to the degree I've known. Even Love that I've always had within me that I could not acceess not just for others but for myself has come to the point of boogling my mind. How can someone truly love when they canot fully access God's love for themselves?

Everything from fasting to giving priesthood blessings has blossomed in ways I cannot express of explain.

All of my relationships have shifted and grown.

The truest and most precious of friends have risen in my life in ways I cannot express.

Now, I'm just ranting. And I could maybe go on forever.

The point is ...

Everything has changed and I am in awe and wonder at how the Lord did it all.

My old heart has been taken from me and a new and vibrant caring loving and righteously pasioante one has been put in it's place. My mind sees the world so differently and the tender feelings in my heart feel so much more than I ever knew were possible. Parley P Pratt's quote on the Spirit is 100% bang on. I'll find it later and post it.

Now if you are thinking that this has been all honky-dory(is that how you spell it?), you are wrong:

This has been literally the most trying time of my life. Even after years of abuse and sadness and depression and suicidal years and illness, lonelines and struggle, nothing compares to what I have had to bare these last few months. I would even say that if I put all of thise things together, this has been ten times worst. There are parts from my soul that I've cried from that never even existed since recently. And I am so blessed because of it...


This isn't the topic of my blog. If you want to know about all that has occurred then as a close friend of mine either I have told you or you've have to steal my journal to know about the whole details...


Well...let me just get to finishing this first post:


What I am grateful for:

-the Atonement and finally experiencing the power that can heal and overcome every adversity and imperfection and pain and anything that holds us back from God's presence.

-The gospel. It's true, simple, and complete.

-The blessing I have each day to receive revelation, which I do everytime I pray (George Q Cannon - Don't get off your knees until you have felt filled with the Holy Ghost)
and everytime I read my scriptures. I have read the Book of Mormon more times than I can remember. It is true. Period. There is no book I love more.

-The Comfort of the Holy Ghost which guides me not only in my life but in every moment of my life.

-The Modern day Prophet and General Authorities. It amazes me how power and counsel comes from these men who can witness and testify and Know Jesus is the Christ and that He lives.

-The temple. I never would have been able to survive everything I have gone through if I hadn't been attending the temple 3 times a week (I'm just on the grounds currently; just a few more months adn things will change). I miss it when I'm not there. It's the only place that feels like home. I often cry when I drive by it at times.

-For true and inspired friends who not only set an example for me but help me keep a faith like nothing I could ever have imagined or believed God would ask of me to maintain. They are complete and utter miracles to me in ways I cannot express. Thank you.

-For my family. They are so precious to me. Even though they struggle with so much, they have love and honesty and sincerity like no other. There is no one else like them in all of the world. You are all my best friends and teachers. I love you guys!

- For the priviledge and blessing I have to have the Priesthood and to provide blessings for others and not only that but to be blessed with such a precious gift...I'm in awe that God trusts me with a gift like this. I'm always humbled by God's power to do something like this through me (what I'm talking about is sacred so please don't ask)

-I'm grateful for inspired leaders. My bishop is a living breathing and walking miracle. Some of the most miraculous experiences recently I have had in my life occurred through him. Also for all of the many great men who served as my Bishops in the past. Your counsel still affects my life to this day.

-I'm gratefull for my callings. Just the other day someone I home taught 2 years ago called me, was back in town and asked me for a blessing because I was one of the only people she felt she could trust. The blessing I gave her was beyond imagination or understanding. What an honor and priviledge to bring the love of God into others lives.

-I'm grateful for my Father in Heaven and My Saviour. I have no words to express my love and gratitude for them in my life.

And then there are the things I cannot really even mention that I am so grateful for:

Miracles in the Lord's timing and perfect counsel and comfort and understanding.

I have so many miracles happen each day there just seems to many to record.


Here are some of the simple things I'm gratfeul for:

- Martial Arts...oh how I miss thee...let me count the blitzkrieg attacks! Soon to be instructor...
:P

- My new and highly guided endeavor in copywriting. How did the Lord know? No idea. 2 weeks of fasting and praying as a family sure helped though.

- Being able to go outside and exercise again! Man, I used to do full contact karate 3 times a week, a paper route, lift weights, run for an hour 3 times a week, do track and whatever else I felt inspired to do...

Man I love to be me again!

Here I come martial arts, Intu-Flow, power lifting, biking, swimming, hiking, rock climbing and possibly triathelon if I can fit it in. Need me a bike, pronto.

-I'm grateful for Squamish! Man it's going to be a blast!

-Oh how I LOVE guitar and singing again! This new singing course is amazing thank you very much.

-Poetry...ah the dews of heaven caressing the sweet cockles of my heart. Sing oh my depths of presonal grace Sing!

-I'm grateful for nice clothes. Yes that's right. Shocking isn't. Finally went shopping and like everything else I've suppress in my life, turns out I have ridiculous class and good sense of taste and style in clothes and I actually enjoy looking my best. Just expresses who I am and how I feel to the world. If someon is thinking I'm like a little girl, I balance things out by learning how to beat people...so you've been warned!

-My cologne because it's amazing.

-For good pens (and that I got for free). The only thing telus ever gave me that was worth anything

-For the wealth that the Lord has entrusted in me. WE live on one of the wealthiest and most prosperous times in all of history, in one of the safest, most peaceful and beautiful countries in the world. It amazes me how blessed we all are

-For the safety of my family in Chile. I'm so glad they were ok. They are still struggling to a degree. My cousin lost his house. I pray for them everyday.


-I'm grateful for great healthy food. Man I love food! I'm going to go eat me an artichoke right now!

-I'm grateful for good books. Man I missed reading! And only the classics...

I dare anyone to guess my favorite...hint: it's not that manly and I don't care because it's about love and I'm man enough to admit that.

-I'm grateful for my mind and health. I am so blessed to have such gifts.

-I'm grateful for nature. How I love the stars, mountains and tree and earth and wind and sun and how I can feel God's grace in all of these things.

-I'm grateful for possibly the greatest miracle, promise and blessing I have received in my life...the Lord always fulfills His promises.

Ok so there the "gratitude" part of my blog

Here's a few of the lessons:

1 . I've been learning about free agancy plays such a powerful and essential part of any relationship. We cannot hinder in any way and in fact encourage it.

A selfish heart will always harm someone no matter how you communicate.

A heart that hasn't completely healed will always feel hurt no matter how perfectly you communicate love. This is an eye opener for me...

It's heart breaking because it's often the people you want to love the most that seem to get hurt the easiest and get things confused. I learned that after forgiving my dad. I didn't even know how much love my Dad was trying to give me this whole time. Also trying to control or force others to see something when they aren't ready is abusive.

Love is more than just feeling. It's about respect. Something I'm learning about everyday.

I can't stop others from feeling hurt even when I never meant to or to stop from demonizing you. We cannot control others. All we can do is love them and hope that that love will one day touch and reach their hearts. I think it was David O McKay or Grant who quoted a friend that said "It's a fool who feels inslut when insult was not intented"..or something like that. We also need to be aware that when we feel hurt by others actions, to look at where we are responsilble. Did that person intend me harm? Am I letting my hurt cloud my judgement?

I used to think and react to every word and action my father did as an attack or conspiracy to get me or control me...it was ridiculous although at the time I was 100% convinced it was true. After I finally searched my soul and realized it was based on fears and sorrows of the past, when I finally forgave him, I was shocked to notice and feel that everything he did was out of love and not to hurt me in the least bit. I was like "Who is this guy and where did he come from?"


I'm learning to really be careful and ask myself "what are my motivations for this?" Why am I doing this? What do I expect from this person or from this outcome? Is there some part of this where I am being selfish/self seeking?

It's hard to admit but sometimes that part slips in. It will take time and practice but one day, things will be changed...

2. Love the way the Lord does. This is something I am learning about each day. God is never gets offended if we yell at Him and always there to love us unconditionally even though we make mistkaes. He believes in us and our hearts. We need ot learn to do the same with those we love. He listens and only offers advice when we ask or when He knows (for us that wouldmean motivatd by the spirit) it's necessary.

It's my prayer and hope that I will learn to communicate in a manner that will never harm or hurt others (my future companion or children most of all) and that follows the Lord's pattern of love because let's face it, I could do everything perfect and still someone could misinterpret what I meant to do or say. Also, I'm not God so I need to face the fact that I will make mistakes.


3. Being hard on myself.

After all of the changes I've made somehow the Adversary has found a way to still make me feel like I have not done enough and that I need to do more.

Bfore I write this blog, you have no idea how much hurt and pressure and doubt I felt in myself.

The Adversary works based on pressure.

Codependency works that way. We love too much and either take on too much thinking and hoping others will love us if we do certain things. Never feeling like you are enough or capable enough or worthy.

There is a difference between what I feel inspired to do and what i feel pressured to do.

God inspires, that adversary pressures.

God believes in you, the Adversary would make you feel like you haven't done enough.

Well I guess that's it.

I had a lot to share. If I maintain this blog, it should be less.

Again the format will be things I am grateful for and lessons I have learned.

Next up, probably a massive exposition on things I have learned these last few months.

I feel like I need to amke some kind of record of it.

Anyways, I hope this wasn't too much for you and if so...meh.


With love and the greatest of faith and joy: Live, love , learn, leave a legacy and do it with God by your side at all times, always.